GENERAL PETRAEUS HOOKS UP WITH KHLOE KARDASHIAN!

Holy Crap! The horny General who got busted cheating on his "She should be a nun" wife (honestly. I'm sure she's a sweetheart and all but she makes Susan Boyle look like a Bikini Babe!) just got caught butt banging Lamar's Ex! Actually, my source on this news breaking story is a known drunk and liar, so the story may not be true. Considering the microscope the guy is under right now the story is probably untrue. Still, Khloe Kardashian and the General would be quite the scoop. Kris and Bruce Jenner may be getting a divorce. I have it on unreliable authority that the reason for their split is because Bruce has been butt banging Khloe. Also that Kris Jenner is blowing Chaz Bono!

WHEN DOES THE NEW SEASON OF ARCHER BEGIN?

I AM HAVING SERIOUS ARCHER WITHDRAWAL! NEW SEASON DESPERATELY NEEDED! I THINK DANCING WITH THE STARS SHOULD DO AN ALL CARTOON SEASON! ARCHER WOULD PROBABLY WIN ALL THOUGH BOTH DONALD DUCK AND BUGS BUNNY WOULD PROVIDE DIFFICULT COMPETITION. DAFFY DUCK WOULD NOT GET ALONG WITH HIS PARTNER OR PUT UP WITH THE CARTOON CARRIE ANNE AND WOULD GET KICKED OFF IN WEEK ONE. MICKEY MOUSE SUCKS AND GOOFY WOULD JUST GO FOR LAUGHS. PLUTO CAN'T COMPETE BECAUSE HE'S JUST A DOG BUT THE TASMANIAN DEVIL WOULD BE THE DARK HORSE CONTENDER TO KEEP AN EYE ON (he would do very well with the Latin dances I think).

EMMITT SMITH STILL STANDING! GILLES GONE!

Personally, yours truly thinks it's BullShit that Gilles Marinni got kicked off of Dancing with the Stars instead of Emmitt. I like Emmitt more from a personality viewpoint (Gilles is French after all) but dancing wise Gilles is the better dancer. Gilles fully commits to each dance (prime example was the Bollywood thing he and Peta did. Incredible!) way more than anyone else. I hope we have an all female final with Emmitt and skater boy getting the boot next week. We shall see.

MELISSA RYCROFT HAS BABE LEGS! KELLY MONACO IS MODERATELY SEXY.

MELISSA RYCROFT HAS GOT SOME AWESOME FREAKIN' LEGS! I MEAN THEY TOTALLY ROCK! SHAWN JOHNSON IS VERY CUTE AND EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS THINNED HER FACE INTO SOMETHING SEXY SHE IS STILL GOING TO TURN INTO A LITTLE BUTTERBALL DOWN THE LINE. NOT HER FAULT SHE IS JUST SO SHORT, PLUS HER MOM HAS THAT PIGFACE THING ABOUT HER SO FUTURE SUITORS BEWARE! KELLY MONACO FACEWISE LOOKS BETTER NOW THAN SHE DID 10 YEARS AGO BUT SHE LOOKS A HELL OF A LOT OLDER THAN SHE IS! MUST BE A COKE HEAD OR SOMETHING.

NO MORE SABRINA! KIRSTIE YOU BITCH!

HEY AMERICA! WAKE UP! DWTS did it again. The super cute spunky GOOD dancer is given the boot in favor of the old, formerly cute, still spunky MEDIOCRE dancer. Don't get me wrong, I like Kirstie a lot and admire the Hell out of her for even competing at 61. However, she doesn't deserve to remain on the show in favor of a BETTER dancer. I mean both of them are well endowed but there is a big difference in their endowment. Kirsties Big Boobs are 61 years old, wrinkly and blue vein-y and gross and stuff! Sabrina 's Big Boobs are only 28, no wrinkles, probably slightly less wrinkly and still gross ( admittedly, I like smaller, firmer boobs with perky nipples begging for my mouth as I wrap my ...sorry. Carried away). Anyhow, I really liked Sabrina and now she is gone! Get rid of Kirstie, then Apollo Anton Gay Ohno Chin Hair. Then Kelly Monaco the cougar slut.

KHLOE AND LAMAR FILE FOR DIVORCE WITH BIGFOOT!

Khloe and Lamar are done with one another. Apparently, Lamar woke up one morning looked at his still sleeping wife and said aloud "Holy Shit! My friends were right, I DID marry the fat and ugly Kardashian!". (Khloes face is as big as Kims ass.) So Lamar said to his wife "Yo Bitch! Wake the Fuck Up!" to which she responded "Grrmmph. Hcckkjhsshh!" because Khloe is also the stupid, illiterate Kardashian. (OK I admit that's kind of like saying Blue whales are the big ones, but as far as the Kardashian girls are concerned Khloe is the stupid one. They're all illiterate.) Anyhow, the fairy tale romance of the fat girl famous for being famous and the dude named Lamar is over. Unless of course it isn't. I don't even know Lamars last name. I do know however, for an almost certain fact, that Khloe and Lamar drove out to the countryside and filed for divorce with Bigfoot. Apparently, because they're both supreme idiots.

BRITTANY MADONNA PINK KATY MILEY !!!!

HEY YO, KIDDIES  YOUR OLD UNCLE JIMMY KEITH HERE WITH ALL THE LATEST ON ALL THE NEWEST. BRITTANY IS NOT TOURING RIGHT NOW TO CONCENTRATE ON OTHER PROJECTS. MADONNA (MO TO THOSE IN THE KNOW) IS TOURING. IN ITALY. PISSING PEOPLE OFF TO. APPARENTLY MO THINKS IT'S COOL TO PRETEND FUCK A HOLOGRAPHIC IMAGE OF THE GODFATHER ON STAGE OR SOMETHING. PINK, WHO HAD BEEN REALLY FAT, NOW ISN'T AS FAT. WAY TO GO PINK. KATY PERRY IS STILL DIVORCED.  MILEY NO LONGER WORKS FOR DISNEY BUT IS STILL A KID. AND TAYLOR SWIFT ABSOLUTELY RUINED HER ARM WITH A TERRIBLE TATTOO. WHAT A FUCKING MORON!

BRISTOL SENT PACKING-KATE GETS PINK SLIP!

OK! People, finally Bristol Palin is sent home or off to the woods or to a clearing by a stream or wherever the fuck Bristol lives. Point being she is no longer on DWTS so she can't fuck up anyone else's season. I am very happy. She seems like a nice enough kid but she can't fucking dance so I am glad she is gone. And former DWTS "star" Kate Gosling or whatever got fired from some job she had. I should point out again to those of you who are new to this blog I know nothing about reality TV except DWTS. Like the other night I was flippin' channels and saw a bunch of backward ass bearded (seriously bearded. like ZZ FUCKING TOP bearded) hillbillies talking about hunting snakes. Turns out this show is called Duck Dynasty for some reason that I couldn't care any less about and features hillbilly's hunting snakes and sitting on stools and driving trucks. I turned it off. I could move to Mississippi or Alabama or some other backward ass fucked up state if I was interested in snake hunting hillbillies.

DWTS JUDGES SMOKING CRACK DURING COMMERCIAL BREAKS!!!

OK, who saw Bristol and Mark perform their Rock n Roll dance? They were completely out of sync, Bristol had no energy, she couldn't lift her legs and yet the judges complemented her, had absolutely no critiques and scored her higher than Kirstie. Granted, it shouldn't be too difficult to outscore Kirstie except that Max and Kirstie out danced and out PERFORMED Bristol and Mark. Sabrina went next and actually had to stand there and listen to shit minutes after Bristol didn't have to listen to any. But who cares? Gilles Marinnie (sic) and Petra Heavens to Mergatroid were infuckingcredible! Then Sean Johnson and Derek Huff (that's the way it should be spelled) were awesome as well. That was my first exposure to Paula Abdul's speaking voice. I would cut her fucking tongue out if I lived with her or even near her. The most annoying voice of all time. I think Val and Kelly are Boinking like horny Boinkers.

BRISTOL PALIN OFFICIALLY OUT OF CONTROL!

OK this is absolutely insane-Who are you idiots supporting Bristol on her atrocious dancing? I didn't like that Drew guy but he shouldn't have left before Bristol or Kirstie. Same is true for Helio. Plus by losing Helio we lose Chelsea and Chelsea is fun to look at! And losing that Drew guy meant losing Anna, and Anna has a great ASS! And great legs! Kirstie Ally is funny and everything but she is not a good dancer. Bristol is not (intentionally) funny and is a terrible dancer. Why are they still on the show? Why were they even considered ALLSTARS to begin with? Because it is not a dance competition but a personality show.  Still, we should do better than kicking the good dancers off first. Why not bring back that fat computer guy or a real old person or that fat daughter/son Chaz? Please get rid of Bristol. Send her back to Alaska and an anonymous existence.

KIM KARDASHIAN AND THE BIG DEAD WHALE!

A large 50 foot Finback whale was found dead floating in Boston Harbor. The finback is like the 2nd largest whale in the ocean behind like the Blue or something. Police said Kim Kardashian probably had nothing to do with the whales death. Lindsay Lohan is a "person of interest" in the investigation, however. Other reality tv stars like Khloe Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, and like the Survivor people or any of the singing people had nothing to do with the whales death-AS FAR AS WE KNOW! Stay tuned for more updates as the fishy story unfolds. Whales are not fish. Whales are like fish, just different. Fish don't have blowholes like whales do. The Whale Shark is not a whale. It is a shark. Science is still trying to determine if sharks are fish. Stay tuned for updates as science unfolds.

KARDASHIANS SUCK! BRISTOL SUCKS! ARCHER RULES!

I hate most everything in current pop culture. I hate most current recording artists. This blog is an ironic, sardonic joke. If I keep up with it at all it will be mostly to vent about something stupid that caught my eye. Fuck off for now but PLEASE check back later. Thank you.